I don't know what exactly I am hoping to record in this blog. At this point I think I'm vaguely going to dance around the idea of the future. I guess right now I have a pretty good idea of what I'll be doing for the next few years. I've set myself up for a few more years at Tyndale and I'm thrilled with that. My questions, which I've noticed I ask a lot, have more to do with the peripherals. Where will I live? What will I be doing during the summer, or during the year? I have another three months before school even starts and I've already started thinking about these things.
It seems like I have so many options that are so interdependent on so many other factors that it's a little intimidating. A single decision, one way or another, could change my next few years, and potentially even the rest of my life, drastically.
It's an intense thought. I'm tired. It's what I was thinking about and I thought I would share that quickly. I know how to make the decisions... I'm just not in a place where I want to. Afterall, I still have the present to get through first.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Change Is Hard
I am sitting here, in a room I have sat in many times before, in a place where I have had experiences that have shaped my life, and I have that feeling. You know that feeling where you're introduced to an idea? When your perceptions undergo a radical, or maybe not so radical change? It's that kind of nervous expansion in your chest where you're not sure if you're terrified, excited, or on the verge of hyperventilating. More than anything else I would describe this sensation as being overwhelmed.
Last night my Dad and I left work and started talking on the drive home. When we got home we sat and talked for about an hour and a half instead of walking in the door and planting ourselves in front of the TV. We talked about how my sister and I were raised, about what my parents are doing with their lives, about purpose, about meaning, and about making a difference.
This morning in church I ignored the message. It wasn't because I didn't value what my pastor was saying. I was spending that time praying for the people I know who are out there in the world right now. I was praying for my friends in the Dominican Republic, Japan, Alaska, and India. I was praying for them as individuals, and as teams. I was praying for the cities they were in, and I was praying for the people in those cities that I will never know.
More and more I'm finding that my actions are reflecting who I want to be. I want to care about the world, and I want to change it. I don't know how that will look. Will I end my life in relative anonymity, or will I go out with a well cited wikipedia article detailing my exploits? Either way it doesn't matter to me. I just want to make a difference... if I'll let myself.
I'm terrified. I've been talking for months about how I can't wait to move to South America, about how I'm excited to potentially be living in Bolivia next year, about how I'm so tired of the flaws in North American culture, but this is where I'm comfortable. There are times where it doesn't feel right, and I just want to get out of here and live somewhere where warmth is found in climate and in culture, and then there are times like now.
In this room where I'm sitting, in this room where I've experienced a few paradigm shifts in the past, I feel like my chest is about to explode. I just finished reading an article, one that I knew I would like, that I knew would be informative, that I never expected to impact me like this. Reject Apathy.
I have so many thoughts on this topic, on this idea, on these words, that I won't even try to contain them in a blog post. I'll just leave you some key words so that this isn't as vague as I know it's coming across
Social Justice. Sustainability. Real Lasting Change. Freedom.
It's overwhelming. I'm just me. As I was reading the article I almost wanted to give up just thinking about the sheer magnitude of the task before me. The task before all of us I guess... Then I remembered some words I read recently.
"Don't ever let the fact that you can't do everything for everyone be a reason not to do something for someone"
-Larry Jones
I don't know who the someone I'll do something for is. I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and more and more I'm convinced that it doesn't matter. I just want to do that something, for someone, somewhere, anywhere. Even if it doesn't mean the physical warmth that I want. Even if it means somewhere I haven't considered to this point.
Last night my Dad and I left work and started talking on the drive home. When we got home we sat and talked for about an hour and a half instead of walking in the door and planting ourselves in front of the TV. We talked about how my sister and I were raised, about what my parents are doing with their lives, about purpose, about meaning, and about making a difference.
This morning in church I ignored the message. It wasn't because I didn't value what my pastor was saying. I was spending that time praying for the people I know who are out there in the world right now. I was praying for my friends in the Dominican Republic, Japan, Alaska, and India. I was praying for them as individuals, and as teams. I was praying for the cities they were in, and I was praying for the people in those cities that I will never know.
More and more I'm finding that my actions are reflecting who I want to be. I want to care about the world, and I want to change it. I don't know how that will look. Will I end my life in relative anonymity, or will I go out with a well cited wikipedia article detailing my exploits? Either way it doesn't matter to me. I just want to make a difference... if I'll let myself.
I'm terrified. I've been talking for months about how I can't wait to move to South America, about how I'm excited to potentially be living in Bolivia next year, about how I'm so tired of the flaws in North American culture, but this is where I'm comfortable. There are times where it doesn't feel right, and I just want to get out of here and live somewhere where warmth is found in climate and in culture, and then there are times like now.
In this room where I'm sitting, in this room where I've experienced a few paradigm shifts in the past, I feel like my chest is about to explode. I just finished reading an article, one that I knew I would like, that I knew would be informative, that I never expected to impact me like this. Reject Apathy.
I have so many thoughts on this topic, on this idea, on these words, that I won't even try to contain them in a blog post. I'll just leave you some key words so that this isn't as vague as I know it's coming across
Social Justice. Sustainability. Real Lasting Change. Freedom.
It's overwhelming. I'm just me. As I was reading the article I almost wanted to give up just thinking about the sheer magnitude of the task before me. The task before all of us I guess... Then I remembered some words I read recently.
"Don't ever let the fact that you can't do everything for everyone be a reason not to do something for someone"
-Larry Jones
I don't know who the someone I'll do something for is. I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and more and more I'm convinced that it doesn't matter. I just want to do that something, for someone, somewhere, anywhere. Even if it doesn't mean the physical warmth that I want. Even if it means somewhere I haven't considered to this point.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Champions of Nothing
So it's been a while since I wrote anything here, and a large part of that is because I don't feel like I've had anything to write. And I suppose that's where I'm going to have to draw the subject of this post from.
Right now I'm in Bancroft, at my parents house, in my comfort zone. I don't know what it is, but while I'm here it is harder to motivate myself to do the things I know I need to than anywhere else. So here come my usual questions...
Am I always this lazy? Does my predicament reveal something profound about the state of humanity? Is this important or just frivolous?
It's tempting to keep writing blog posts about Hanson. They're fun, and I know people will comment on them and have some fun, but when I write those I don't think. I guess I'm frustrated with myself. I need to write about this so that I can figure out what I'm doing, and how I can fix it.
So what have I been doing? I've been watching a lot of TV. Some combination of the playoffs, the Game Show Network, Teletoon, and the Family Channel. (you can comment on my viewing preferences later) I've built some momentum with the geocaching program I'm setting up at Joy Bible Camp. I've placed four preliminary caches, and written up most of the documentation to go with it, and now I've moved on to a children's program to introduce the sport. I've written a letter, and cleared out my closet. Of course a lot of what was cleared out of my closet is now cluttering my room... which I need to finish cleaning at some point. I've also slept a lot.
I think I've gotten so used to my parents place being somewhere to rest. Bancroft is a place where I can shut off and not worry about accomplishing tasks. That's fine if I'm only home for a couple days here and there, but this stay will end up lasting for almost a month, and I can't spend all that time watching the Match Game and playing Tetris.
I have letters to send, a room to clean, applications to fill out, a summer to plan, and more. I feel like I should be able to accomplish this in the next 10 days, but based on how I've spent the last 17 it'll be close at best.
Which leaves me having ranted, without coming up with any sort of solution. To be honest I don't know if I have one. I need more structure, I just don't know how to implement it.
Right now I'm in Bancroft, at my parents house, in my comfort zone. I don't know what it is, but while I'm here it is harder to motivate myself to do the things I know I need to than anywhere else. So here come my usual questions...
Am I always this lazy? Does my predicament reveal something profound about the state of humanity? Is this important or just frivolous?
It's tempting to keep writing blog posts about Hanson. They're fun, and I know people will comment on them and have some fun, but when I write those I don't think. I guess I'm frustrated with myself. I need to write about this so that I can figure out what I'm doing, and how I can fix it.
So what have I been doing? I've been watching a lot of TV. Some combination of the playoffs, the Game Show Network, Teletoon, and the Family Channel. (you can comment on my viewing preferences later) I've built some momentum with the geocaching program I'm setting up at Joy Bible Camp. I've placed four preliminary caches, and written up most of the documentation to go with it, and now I've moved on to a children's program to introduce the sport. I've written a letter, and cleared out my closet. Of course a lot of what was cleared out of my closet is now cluttering my room... which I need to finish cleaning at some point. I've also slept a lot.
I think I've gotten so used to my parents place being somewhere to rest. Bancroft is a place where I can shut off and not worry about accomplishing tasks. That's fine if I'm only home for a couple days here and there, but this stay will end up lasting for almost a month, and I can't spend all that time watching the Match Game and playing Tetris.
I have letters to send, a room to clean, applications to fill out, a summer to plan, and more. I feel like I should be able to accomplish this in the next 10 days, but based on how I've spent the last 17 it'll be close at best.
Which leaves me having ranted, without coming up with any sort of solution. To be honest I don't know if I have one. I need more structure, I just don't know how to implement it.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Everybody Get Dangerous
There are millions of Americans who go on short-term missions vacations (oops, I mean missions trips) each year. I say 'vacations' because many well-meaning people evaluate missions trips as if they are on a pleasure cruise.
'What are the bathrooms like?'
'Where will we sleep?'
'Can I bring my hair dryer?'
'Will I be able to call my boyfriend?'
'Is if safe?'
-Tom Davis
The Tyndale missions team to India left today. They are gone for three weeks. For a number of reasons I've been thinking about their trip, and what my wishes for them would be. I've been thinking about how I should pray for them. I don't want this trip to be a pleasure cruise.
I don't want them to fly across the world, do a good deed, and come back feeling better about themselves. I want this trip to mean something. I want this trip to change the world. I don't know if I want this trip to change their world, or the world of the people they interact with, but either way... I want this trip to change the world. But no one ever changed the world by playing it safe.
I think that's what struck me most about the above quote. We laugh off questions about going to the bathroom, and hair dryers, but when someone puts that on the same level as whether or not we are going to be safe, that's occasion for a pause. If we stay safe the entire time, if we are prepared for everything we encounter, if we don't find ourselves beyond our ability, then we will keep on operating under our own strength. It is when we venture beyond these limits that God takes over entirely, not as a gesture, but out of necessity.
We don't have the capacity to change the world that we are in. It requires an outside force. If we give up ourselves to that outside force, I can't even imagine the implications of what the world will look like. So when I pray for this team, when I pray for the other teams, when I wish them well, when I send them messages, I pray for change. I pray that Jesus wrecks their life. I pray that their hearts are broken and they get worn out. I pray that they experience something that is so much more than a vacation.
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